Loneliness
is a universal human experience that can affect us as badly as any physical
ailment. As the new year commences, the faded hustle and bustle of the holidays
can sometimes leave behind a sense of emptiness and isolation. So how can we
overcome it?
As American writer Fanny Howe says, loneliness is "an uninvited and uncreated companion" that "slips in beside you" without notice.
Psychologists define
loneliness in a number of ways and often split it into categories depending on
its duration.
Essentially, however,
most specialists agree that loneliness, though a shared human experience, is an
undesired and hurtful emotion that can affect both our physical and our mental health. Recent studies have
noted that loneliness can impact how our immune system functions,
damage sleep quality,
and put us at risk of heart disease.
A study from last year
argued that loneliness "significantly increase[s] risk for premature
mortality," more so than other health factors.
A survey targeting adults
aged 45 and over in the United States found that approximately one third of respondents identified as
"lonely." Reports focusing on children and young adults also indicated that a
significant percentage of respondents aged 17 to 25 experienced loneliness.
Finally, one study that
garnered attention in the media alleged that 35 is the age at which men feel the loneliest.
In short, it seems that no age group is safe from facing this damaging emotion.
Since the start of
January is apparently the deadliest time of the year, with the fabled Blue Monday — allegedly the most depressing day
of the year, the third Monday of January — just around the corner, we look at ways
of overcoming the sense of loneliness that may affect some us in the aftermath
of the winter holidays.
Even if loneliness
doesn't hit as the New Year parties come to an end, the tools and ideas
outlined below will leave you better equipped to fend off this unwanted
companion, whenever it may try to seize you by the hand — or heart.
Acknowledge and react
John Cacioppo, the
Tiffany and Margaret Blake Distinguished Service Professor at the University of
Chicago, IL, has specialized in loneliness, why we may experience it, how it
can affect us, and what we can do to cope with it.
In the TED talk that you
can watch below, Prof. Cacioppo argues that our society has grown to value
individualism and self-sufficiency more and more, which may often push
individuals to become isolated and refuse to acknowledge loneliness when they
experience it.
"You don't hear
people talk about feeling lonely," Prof. Cacioppo explains in the talk,
"and that's because loneliness is stigmatized, the psychological
equivalent of being a loser in life or a weak person, and this is truly
unfortunate, because it means we're more likely to deny feeling lonely, which
makes no more sense than denying we feel hunger, thirst, or pain."
Denial, Prof. Cacioppo
argues, does nothing but exacerbate feelings of loneliness and may lead to
counterproductive strategies, such as seeking further isolation. Thus, the
first step toward fighting the negative impact of this emotional state is to
recognize that what we're feeling is loneliness.
"Second," he
continues, "understand what [loneliness] does to your brain, to your body,
to your behavior."
"It's dangerous, as a
member of a social species, to feel isolated, and our brain snaps into
self-preservation mode. That brings with it some unwanted and unknown effects
on our thoughts and our actions toward others."
Prof. John Cacioppo
Once we acknowledge our
feelings and understand that they can seriously affect our mental and physical
health, as well as our behavior, Prof. Cacioppo advises us to respond to our
sense of loneliness by forming and strengthening connections.
"One can promote
intimate connections by developing [the relationship with] one individual who's
trusted, in whom you can confide and who can confide in you," he explains.
"You can promote relational connectedness by simply sharing good times
with friends and family" without any distractions.
Finally,
"[C]ollective connectedness can be promoted by becoming a part of
something bigger than yourselves," so why not "consider volunteering
for something that you enjoy"?
Lay off social media
Social media may be the
first solution that comes to mind when we're lonely; it seems to be a quick and
easy fix. However, many studes have shown that our online networks, although
they may offer an illusion of connectedness, actually make us even lonelier and
more segregated.
A study published
last year in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found
that social media users feel more isolated than peers who dedicate little time
to online networks.
In the book Alone Together,
social psychologist Sherry Turkle also argues that hyperconnectivity via social
media makes us more estranged from each other in our offline lives.
"We expect more from
technology and less from each other, and I ask myself, 'why have things come to
this?', and I believe it is because technology appeals to us most where we are
most vulnerable, and we are vulnerable, we're lonely but we're afraid of
intimacy," Turkle explains.
In order to form a true
support network that will help us to keep loneliness at bay, we need to look
outside of our computers and handheld devices, and instead strengthen our bonds
with family, friends, and community.
Psychologist Guy
Winch advises us to face our fears and uncertainties
and take the first step to connect, or reconnect, with others. When we reach
out to others, he suggests that we send out positive rather than negative
messages, as well as set out clear timeframes for the social event.
For
instance, sending something such as, "I miss you, why don't we catch up
over coffee next Sunday?" is more likely to be effective than, "Hey,
I don't even know if we're friends anymore."
Another reason why
face-to-face contact is preferable to online contact is simply because humans
need physical touch in
order to feel comforted and connected, according to Helena Backlund Wasling, of
State University of New York Upstate Medical University in Sycaruse.
Of course, you shouldn't
go about randomly touching strangers on the street, but holding a parent's or
child's hand, or hugging a friend, could do wonders for our mental health;
touch is also a tool for communication, sending messages about our
emotional states.
A pet may help
When human contact is not
available, it may be useful to enjoy the presence of a furry friend, some
studies suggest.
A study conducted last
year discovered that owning a dog can
help to reduce the risk of premature death, especially among people who live on
their own, who happen to be the group most at risk of experiencing debilitating
loneliness.
Previous
research has also found that pet owners may have better social and communication skills and
engage more in community activities.
Animals can be great
conversation starters, and caring for a pet — by taking it out for a walk, or
to the vet — can discourage sedentarism, as well as provide an opportunity to
meet new people.
If a larger animal, such
as a dog or a cat, seems to be too much of a hassle or too expensive, why not
consider a tiny, mostly fuss-free, and much cheaper alternative, such as fish,
snails, or insects?
A 2016 study revealed
that older adults who were offered crickets to look after as pets became less
depressed and had improved cognitive functioning within 8 weeks from the start
of the experiment.
Or, you could volunteer
at an animal shelter, or offer to look after friends' and acquaintances' pets
when they're off on holiday, in order to enjoy the same benefits and improve
your social relationships.
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