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our take on Valentine’s Day, for those of us who are at all interested in
pursuing romantic relationships, a key question remains: What makes a healthy
relationship? In this feature, we give you an overview of what specialist
studies have found.
“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach
you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody.”
Indeed, there is no single tried and true recipe for love
and successful relationships that anyone can teach us. Different approaches
work for different partnerships, and there is no point in trying to come up
with strict guidelines for love.
Nevertheless, the reasons why relationship quality can
deteriorate over time — or why relationships fail altogether — tend to be
consistent.
Many researchers have studied what makes people leave a
relationship, and what motivates them to stay together.
In this feature, we give you our top research-backed tips
on what to look out for in building a meaningful, healthy, happy relationship.
1. Start your
relationship with purpose
First of all, research suggests that there may be some
truth to the phrase “start as you mean to go on” when it comes to
relationships.
Recent studies suggest that, in many cases, people who are
dating end up “falling” into a committed relationship out of a sense of
inertia, and couples may end up living together even when they are unsure if
they belong together.
“[M]any,
if not most, couples slide from noncohabitation to cohabitation before fully
realizing what is happening; it is often a nondeliberative and incremental
process,” report researchers from the
University of Denver in Colorado.
For instance, someone may end up deciding to move in, and,
maybe, eventually, marry their partner simply because they have already spent a
significant amount of time together and established a bond.
This can happen — argue dating and relationships researchers
Samantha Joel, Ph.D., and Prof. Paul Eastwick — even when one or both partners
are convinced, at the start of their relationship, that they are not
necessarily well suited to each other.
Medical News Today spoke
to Alex Psaila, clinical supervisor at Relate North
and South West Sussex, a United Kingdom-based registered charity
that provide relationship support and mediation. We asked him about early “red
flags” that people may want to remember when starting a new relationship.
Blind love, he told us, can prevent individuals from
acknowledging possible issues and personality clashes. It can also make them
think that — no matter how bothersome some of their new partner’s behaviors
might be — these will likely change with time. Not so, said Psaila:
“Does
anyone go into a relationship with the idea that this relationship is flawed?
If we are aware of something [being not quite right], we might tell ourselves
that ‘we’ll fix it’ […] For the most part ‘being in love’ is like Cupid — blind
— and we gloss over potential difficulties, wanting to believe it will go away
and love will conquer all.“
Joel and Prof. Eastwick argue that if people took more
time to do some — potentially difficult — soul searching before committing to a
relationship, they might be able to avoid entering a situation that will prove
unsatisfactory for both partners in the long run.
We should, that is, start new relationships with a sense
of purpose, really thinking about what we want and need, and if the person we
are dating is truly likely to align with those wants and needs — and we with
theirs.
“People may be able to boost their own relational, health,
and well-being trajectories by more selectively choosing and investing in new
relationships that are right for them and rejecting those that are not right
for them,” write Joel and Prof. Eastwick.
2. Communicate to solve conflict
As with anything, open communication is necessary when it
comes to building and maintaining a healthy relationship.
And in a long-term relationship, calm, open, and
constructive communication is essential when it comes to solving conflict since
no interpersonal bond ever comes truly free from conflict.
“Stress can arise in relationships when partners
experience conflicting goals, motives and preferences,” write Profs Nickola
Overall and James McNulty in a recent study about
communication during conflict.
The possible reasons for conflict in a romantic
relationship can vary widely, and Profs Overall and McNulty cite unmet
expectations, financial difficulties, the distribution of responsibilities,
parenting styles, and jealousy, among others.
“Unresolved conflicts and the stress associated with
conflict put even the most satisfying relationship at risk. Moreover, managing
and resolving conflict is difficult, and can itself be a significant source of
stress,” they note.
So what is the best way to communicate when it comes to
solving conflicts in an intimate relationship?
According to the researchers, it depends. However, burying
one’s feelings and misgivings, and brushing disagreements quickly under the
carpet is unlikely to help, they say.
Profs
Overall and McNulty suggest that it is crucial for couples first to evaluate the
context in which the conflict has arisen in order to decide how best to address
it.
When a serious issue is at stake, the researchers explain,
it is important for both partners to express their opposing views and negotiate
the direction of change.
However, if the couple is having disagreements about minor
issues, or issues outside their control, it may be more helpful for them to
acknowledge the problem but express mutual validation, affection, and
forgiveness.
Psaila expressed a similar perspective to MNT. People
who maintain healthy, happy relationships, he says, “say sorry and make
reparation [when they acknowledge that they have done something hurtful].”
However, Psaila adds, they “do not hang on to secretive,
hidden shame,” following a discordant situation.
“They
learn from mistakes and know that awareness of their vulnerability is a
strength. They can and will seek help and advice from trusted relatives,
friends, mentors (even [trained] counselors).“
– Alex Psaila
Psaila also notes that people who want their relationship
to thrive also show openness to receiving support from a professional
therapist, not just when things go wrong, but to make sure they stay the
course.
3. Make time
for couple activities
Life can sometimes get in the way of our spending time
with the people we love, even when we share a living space. The demands of
work, for instance, can leave us little time — and sometimes little energy — to
do something enjoyable with our partners.
Yet research shows that couples who participate in fun
activities together may also find it easier to stay together.
For instance, one study covered on MNT last
year suggested that couples who make time to play board
games together also had a good quality love life.
The
study found a simple reason for this correlation: Partners who took part in
these fun activities together saw an increase in oxytocin, the “love hormone,”
so-called because it plays a key role in bonding behaviors.
Karen Melton, Ph.D., and her colleagues — who conducted
the board games study — note that, for a couple’s activity to lead to the spike
in oxytocin, it likely should involve interaction between the partners.
Simply attending an event together but not interacting,
for instance, may not have the same bonding effect.
The researchers also found that the novelty factor
influenced how much oxytocin they released: Couples who organized their fun
activity in a new place outside their home saw a greater “love hormone” boost
than those who played at home.
The takeaway? Doing fun things, ideally in new, unfamiliar
surroundings, might help maintain relationship quality.
4. Carve your own space
Although spending quality time with your loved ones is
essential, it is at least as important to spend quality time on our own — and
allow partners to do the same.
“A healthy relationship is a bit like breathing in and
then breathing out,” Psaila explained for MNT.
“There is a cycle of closeness and distance, of coming
together, even merging and separation, individuation, [creating a] sense of
self […] Both are important. If the relationship is too distant — little
closeness — then the idea of seeking this elsewhere will arise (perhaps
disguised as feeling abandoned and being unloved),” he noted.
Yet too much closeness can make a relationship feel like a
trap and, taken to an extreme — if a partner gradually isolates their
“significant other” from friends, family, and activities that they enjoy —
could even be a mark of emotional
abuse.
“If
the relationship is too close, suffocating even, then the couple [becomes]
merged and there is little scope for exploration and growth, of other
interactions, of missing your loved one and wanting to return, bringing new
ideas and energy into the relationship.“
– Alex Psaila
5. Show
attention and appreciation
While couples are at the beginning of their relationship,
in the “honeymoon” phase, the partners will shower each other with affection
and words of appreciation.
But often, as time goes on, partners may start taking each
other for granted and forget to show the same kind of admiration they once did.
According
to a study from 2017, one of the main reasons
for long-term couples splitting up was that one of the partners was no longer
showing enough affection and attention to the other.
And a study from 2018 found
that young adults — aged 18–29 — who perceived that their partner put a similar
effort into initiating text conversations also reported greater relationship
satisfaction.
Other research has
shown that women who reported being satisfied in their romantic relationships
also reported that their partners were appreciative of their bodies. And, they
reported increased satisfaction with their sex lives.
Finally, although material gifts are not a measure of love
in any relationship, some studies have shown that when a partner can and does
offer gifts, this can contribute to relationship satisfaction if done
correctly.
Research from last year suggests
that for a gift to increase relationship satisfaction, it has to be well
thought out. The gifts we offer to others, the researchers explain, can reflect
the image they have of themselves or the image we have of them.
If the two do not coincide, then it is likely that the
gift we pick will be disappointing to the receiver. But, the researchers say,
if we know our partners well, we will manage to pick a gift that truly fits in
with their personality and hobbies — and will reflect positively on our
relationship.
No matter how you choose to show your affection, though,
expressing your appreciation of your significant other — and not just on
Valentine’s Day — is a safe bet when it comes to maintaining relationship
quality.
However, even if you put in all the effort you can muster
into a romantic relationship, sometimes, it will not work out, and that should
necessarily be a cause for regret.
If a relationship does not make you feel happy, secure,
and valued, it may be time to turn your attention to yourself and invest more
in some self-love before you decide how or whether
to start afresh with someone new.
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