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hatever
our take on Valentine’s Day, for those of us who are at all interested in
pursuing romantic relationships, a key question remains: What makes a healthy
relationship? In this feature, we give you an overview of what specialist
studies have found.
Share on
PinterestHow can you build and maintain a happy relationship? We give you our
top five tips.
“I’ve
been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t
teach you how to love somebody.”
So writes Neil Gaiman in the
ninth volume of the comic book series The Sandman, “The Kindly
Ones.”
Indeed, there is no single tried
and true recipe for love and successful relationships that anyone can teach us.
Different approaches work for different partnerships, and there is no point in
trying to come up with strict guidelines for love.
Nevertheless, the reasons why
relationship quality can deteriorate over time — or why relationships fail
altogether — tend to be consistent.
Many researchers have studied
what makes people leave a relationship, and what motivates them to stay
together.
In this feature, we give you our
top research-backed tips on what to look out for in building a meaningful,
healthy, happy relationship.
First of all, research suggests
that there may be some truth to the phrase “start as you mean to go on” when it
comes to relationships.
Recent studies suggest that, in
many cases, people who are dating end up “falling” into a committed
relationship out of a sense of inertia, and couples may end up living together
even when they are unsure if they belong together.
“[M]any,
if not most, couples slide from noncohabitation to cohabitation before fully
realizing what is happening; it is often a nondeliberative and incremental
process,” report researchers from the University of
Denver in Colorado.
For instance, someone may end up
deciding to move in, and, maybe, eventually, marry their partner simply because
they have already spent a significant amount of time together and established a
bond.
This can happen — argue dating
and relationships researchers Samantha Joel, Ph.D., and Prof. Paul Eastwick —
even when one or both partners are convinced, at the start of their
relationship, that they are not necessarily well suited to each other.
Medical
News Today spoke
to Alex Psaila, clinical supervisor at Relate North and South
West Sussex, a United Kingdom-based registered charity that provide
relationship support and mediation. We asked him about early “red flags” that
people may want to remember when starting a new relationship.
Blind love, he told us, can
prevent individuals from acknowledging possible issues and personality clashes.
It can also make them think that — no matter how bothersome some of their new
partner’s behaviors might be — these will likely change with time. Not so, said
Psaila:
“Does anyone go into a
relationship with the idea that this relationship is flawed? If we are aware of
something [being not quite right], we might tell ourselves that ‘we’ll fix it’
[…] For the most part ‘being in love’ is like Cupid — blind — and we gloss over
potential difficulties, wanting to believe it will go away and love will
conquer all.“
Joel and Prof. Eastwick argue
that if people took more time to do some — potentially difficult — soul
searching before committing to a relationship, they might be able to avoid
entering a situation that will prove unsatisfactory for both partners in the
long run.
We should, that is, start new
relationships with a sense of purpose, really thinking about what we want and
need, and if the person we are dating is truly likely to align with those wants
and needs — and we with theirs.
“People may be able to boost
their own relational, health, and well-being trajectories by more selectively
choosing and investing in new relationships that are right for them and
rejecting those that are not right for them,” write Joel and Prof. Eastwick.
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As with anything, open
communication is necessary when it comes to building and maintaining a healthy
relationship.
And in a long-term relationship,
calm, open, and constructive communication is essential when it comes to
solving conflict since no interpersonal bond ever comes truly free from
conflict.
“Stress can arise in
relationships when partners experience conflicting goals, motives and
preferences,” write Profs Nickola Overall and James McNulty in a recent study about communication during conflict.
The possible reasons for conflict
in a romantic relationship can vary widely, and Profs Overall and McNulty cite
unmet expectations, financial difficulties, the distribution of
responsibilities, parenting styles, and jealousy, among others.
“Unresolved conflicts and the
stress associated with conflict put even the most satisfying relationship at
risk. Moreover, managing and resolving conflict is difficult, and can itself be
a significant source of stress,” they note.
So what is the best way to
communicate when it comes to solving conflicts in an intimate relationship?
According to the researchers, it
depends. However, burying one’s feelings and misgivings, and brushing
disagreements quickly under the carpet is unlikely to help, they say.
Profs
Overall and McNulty suggest that it is crucial for couples first to evaluate
the context in which the conflict has arisen in order to decide how best to
address it.
When a serious issue is at stake,
the researchers explain, it is important for both partners to express their
opposing views and negotiate the direction of change.
However, if the couple is having
disagreements about minor issues, or issues outside their control, it may be
more helpful for them to acknowledge the problem but express mutual validation,
affection, and forgiveness.
Psaila expressed a similar
perspective to MNT. People
who maintain healthy, happy relationships, he says, “say sorry and make
reparation [when they acknowledge that they have done something hurtful].”
However, Psaila adds, they “do
not hang on to secretive, hidden shame,” following a discordant situation.
“They learn from mistakes
and know that awareness of their vulnerability is a strength. They can and will
seek help and advice from trusted relatives, friends, mentors (even [trained]
counselors).“
– Alex
Psaila
Psaila also notes that people who
want their relationship to thrive also show openness to receiving support from
a professional therapist, not just when things go wrong, but to make sure they
stay the course.
Life can sometimes get in the way
of our spending time with the people we love, even when we share a living
space. The demands of work, for instance, can leave us little time — and
sometimes little energy — to do something enjoyable with our partners.
Yet research shows that couples
who participate in fun activities together may also find it easier to stay
together.
For instance, one study covered
on MNT last year
suggested that couples who make time to play board games together also
had a good quality love life.
The
study found a simple reason for this correlation: Partners who took part in
these fun activities together saw an increase in oxytocin, the “love hormone,” so-called because it
plays a key role in bonding behaviors.
Karen Melton, Ph.D., and her
colleagues — who conducted the board games study — note that, for a couple’s
activity to lead to the spike in oxytocin, it likely should involve interaction
between the partners.
Simply attending an event
together but not interacting, for instance, may not have the same bonding
effect.
The researchers also found that
the novelty factor influenced how much oxytocin they released: Couples who organized
their fun activity in a new place outside their home saw a greater “love
hormone” boost than those who played at home.
The takeaway? Doing fun things,
ideally in new, unfamiliar surroundings, might help maintain relationship
quality.
Although spending quality time
with your loved ones is essential, it is at least as important to spend quality
time on our own — and allow partners to do the same.
“A healthy relationship is a bit
like breathing in and then breathing out,” Psaila explained for MNT.
“There is a cycle of closeness
and distance, of coming together, even merging and separation, individuation,
[creating a] sense of self […] Both are important. If the relationship is too
distant — little closeness — then the idea of seeking this elsewhere will arise
(perhaps disguised as feeling abandoned and being unloved),” he noted.
Yet too much closeness can make a
relationship feel like a trap and, taken to an extreme — if a partner gradually
isolates their “significant other” from friends, family, and activities that
they enjoy — could even be a mark of emotional abuse.
“If the relationship is
too close, suffocating even, then the couple [becomes] merged and there is little
scope for exploration and growth, of other interactions, of missing your loved
one and wanting to return, bringing new ideas and energy into the relationship.“
– Alex
Psaila
While couples are at the
beginning of their relationship, in the “honeymoon” phase, the partners will
shower each other with affection and words of appreciation.
But often, as time goes on,
partners may start taking each other for granted and forget to show the same
kind of admiration they once did.
According
to a study
from 2017, one of the main
reasons for long-term couples splitting up was that one of the partners was no
longer showing enough affection and attention to the other.
And a study from 2018 found that young adults — aged 18–29 —
who perceived that their partner put a similar effort into initiating text
conversations also reported greater relationship satisfaction.
Other research has shown that women who reported being
satisfied in their romantic relationships also reported that their partners
were appreciative of their bodies. And, they reported increased satisfaction
with their sex lives.
Finally, although material gifts
are not a measure of love in any relationship, some studies have shown that
when a partner can and does offer gifts, this can contribute to relationship
satisfaction if done correctly.
Research from last year suggests that for a gift to
increase relationship satisfaction, it has to be well thought out. The gifts we
offer to others, the researchers explain, can reflect the image they have of
themselves or the image we have of them.
If the two do not coincide, then
it is likely that the gift we pick will be disappointing to the receiver. But,
the researchers say, if we know our partners well, we will manage to pick a
gift that truly fits in with their personality and hobbies — and will reflect
positively on our relationship.
No matter how you choose to show
your affection, though, expressing your appreciation of your significant other
— and not just on Valentine’s Day — is a safe bet when it comes to maintaining
relationship quality.
However, even if you put in all
the effort you can muster into a romantic relationship, sometimes, it will not
work out, and that should necessarily be a cause for regret.
If a relationship does not make you
feel happy, secure, and valued, it may be time to turn your attention to
yourself and invest more in some self-love before
you decide how or whether to start afresh with someone new.
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